How your boss does their 1–1s tells you a lot about what they think their job is
Do you have 1–1s with your boss and/or team members who report to you? In all likelihood you do. 1–1s are probably the most cliché duty of a manager, and I believe 1–1s are critically important. However, they’re a double-edged sword. On the one hand, they’re a great tool you can use to build relationships with those on your team. On the other hand, they can reek of formality and be a visible scene of the abuses of power.
Knowing the goal of 1–1s starts with knowing the goal of management. In my opinion (and there are a million ways to define the goal of management), a manager exists to be an advocate for his/her team so their needs are met thus enabling them to be as effective, engaged, and as productive as possible for the benefit of their careers and the company’s objectives.
That’s a mouthful, but basically I’m here FOR my team. Not for ME. How do you be for someone? You know them, their needs, their passions, their goals, their strengths, and their weaknesses. How do you do that?
You build relationships.
Forming a genuine relationship with those on your team is one of the most important goals of a manager, in my opinion. 1–1s are a fantastic way to do this.
Informal 1–1s are the best way to develop relationships in general, even outside of work. Whether work relationships, friendships, courtships, or whatever. People get to know each other by talking with each other.
On the other hand, formal 1–1s do nothing to develop relationships. All they do is perpetuate a power dynamic. The worst kind of 1–1 is in the boss’s office where the boss sits behind a big desk and the employee swoops in for a 30-minute update. That “conversation” is more a status report than anything.
So, consider the following propositions and then, potentially, reconsider your strategy for your 1–1s:
- Proposition 1) a manager’s main goal is to be an advocate for his/her team in order to create value for their careers and the company
- Proposition 2) proposition 1 is best accomplished when you have developed a relationship with each individual and know them well
- Proposition 3) relationships develop best through ongoing 1–1 informal conversation
Conclusion: 1–1s need to be frequent and informal to be effective. If your boss currently hosts very formal 1–1s he/she might be more concerned with a power-trip than your career or the business you both work for. If you agree 1–1s should be informal, consider some of the tips below as a way to rejuvenate your relationships with your team members:
- Go get coffee or lunch instead of having a 1–1 in your office. People “open up” over food; the power dynamic of an office versus a coffee shop are 100% opposites
- If you can’t afford coffee or you can’t expense it, go for a walk perhaps
- If you don’t have quiet places where people can’t overhear your discussion get a small end table and a couple of chairs for your office. Whenever you have a 1–1 in your office move to the table to help set an informal tone. NEVER sit at your desk.
- Just ask open-ended questions in the beginning: How are you doing? What’s new? What did you do last weekend? How’s your family doing? These take the edge off and how you care about them.
- Save specifics to the end: I heard great feedback from the customer on your work! Are you enjoying the project you’re on? I know you had an argument with John; what led up to that?
- Come from an angle of a helper: I know you’ve been falling behind on your work; what can I do to help you catch up?
- But know when you need to be firm.
- Don’t be concerned about mixing informal AND formal conversations in the same setting (e.g. lunch). I’ve read posts that argue lunches and 1–1s should be two different things. I respectfully disagree.
I’d love to hear what you do for 1–1s, or perhaps some highlights/low-lights from boss’s who you’ve have had 1–1s with! Thanks!
Phil
PS: Relationship vs. friendship? Is relationship the same thing as “friendship”? Maybe. “Friend” is such a watered-down term, but I’m not nervous about using it here like I know so many HR departments might be. My best friends in life are some of the most critical people of mine. They care a lot about me, and as such are more than comfortable having difficult conversations with me. Calling me out when I screwed up. Mentoring me as I pursue my goals, etc. I used “relationship” in this post, but you can see I don’t make a huge distinction like many do. What does it mean to be a friend, if not someone who knows you well and is your advocate?
